It's orientation day at Pagii.
You sit in a large auditorium next to Amar, a fifty-six year old distributed systems engineer, imported from Egypt on an H1B. He wears a baseball cap color-blocked with yellow, blue, and green, with a propeller fixed to the top. And his large and lumpy torso is squeezed into full zipped, undersized, navy blue Pagii hoodie.
A blonde woman in her early thirties takes the stage. She has big, round, gleaming eyes and a mouth wide open, in a state of constant excitement. She's wearing the same navy blue Pagii hoodie as Amar, but it's zipped 1/10th of the way up, so the sides billow out over a light blue t-shirt and lighter blue jeans.
"OK PAGELINGS!"
Her enunciation of 'PAGELINGS' is totally sincere. Zero hesitation.
"PAGELINGS! IT'S TIME WE DO WHAT YOU ALL CAME HERE TO DO!"
She pauses for suspense, her smile nearly reaching her forehead.
"IT'S TIME TO BUILD!"
She pauses for a reaction. There is none.
"BUT HEY, KEEP THOSE LAPTOPS CLOSED! I KNOW YOU'RE ALL EXCITED TO GET TO CODING, BUT TODAY WE'LL BE BUILDING SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT!"
Amar squints quizically, as if he's attacking a thesis.
"TODAY WE'RE GOING TO BE BUILDING... POSTERS!" Her arms open sidewards.
"I WANT YOU ALL TO GET INTO GROUPS, OK? TALK TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO YET! DON'T BE SHY, WE DON'T BITE!"
She exhales sharply into the mic, as if to laugh.
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION-- THROUGH ART, OK, THROUGH DRAWING ON THESE POSTERS-- WE'RE GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION, WHAT DOES PAGII MEAN TO YOU? OK? WHAT DOES PAGII MEAN TO YOU? ALL OF YOU ARE ROCKSTARS, OK? YOU CAN WORK WHEREVER YOU WANT, BUT FOR SOME REASON, YOU CHOSE TO WORK ~HERE~ AT ~PAGII~!. YOU CHOSE US! WHY? SHOW US! DRAW IT FOR US! GET THOSE CREATIVE JUICES FLOWING!
WE HAVE MARKERS, CONSTRUCTION PAPER, GLITTER, SILLY STRING... ANYTHING YOU NEED TO EXPRESS YOURSELF! GET WILD GUYS! WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE PAGII MISSION? SHOW US! SHOW EACH OTHER! AH, I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT YOU COME UP WITH! THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF ORIENTATION!"
Amar, the fifty-six year old distributed systems engineer, wearing a cartoonish, color-blocked, baseball cap with a propeller fixed to the top, who has just been asked to use glitter and silly string to show, pictorially, why he is passionate about Pagii, a company that makes a social media app that he has never used, and won't let his children use either, but will pay him half a million dollars per year to work on database consensus, looks bewildered. You, having worked at such companies in the past, having great experience in poster-making, which you have been tasked with by various educators and orientators, from kindergarten, through college, through your last few jobs, often using glitter, decide to take Amar under your wing.
"Ok Amar, I'm thinking we keep this simple. Maybe draw a big circle and say something about wanting to 'unify the world'. Unify-- like a circle. Get it?"
Amar stares straight ahead, not moving.
"Amar?"
He sighs: "I will get the glitter."
Pagii lets you choose your own team. They encourage you to find what you're most passionate about. You are excited by this freedom. You hope to join Pagii Chat, because that's the only Pagii product you use. How cool would it be to tell your friends it was you who restyled the emoji menu!
You're surprised by the sincerity of your excitement. The cynicism that the poster-making evoked in you has been washed off by the prospect of subtly impacting the lives of a billion people. Maybe the bubbly hoodie woman was right: maybe Pagii is changing the world, and, maybe, you'll be a part of it.
You open up the internal team selection tool.
There are only four open teams: 1. Logging Platform 2. Human Resources Internal Tools 3. Settings Page Infrastructure 4. Code Quality "Warriors"
Logging... platform? You squint, quizzically.
Unsure what would be worst, or what any of these even are, you apply to all four. Settings Page Infrastructure rejects you immediately. They said the contents of your application, which consisted of a single question, "Why are you interested in Settings Page Infrastructure?", indicated a poor "culture fit". You should've used more exclamation marks!
"Logging Platform" gets back to you and you schedule a meeting with the team manger.
The manager of the Logging Platform team is an Indian man in his mid 30s. His face is a pallid brown, and in the shape of a butternut squash, with a narrow forehead, chubby cheeks, and sagging chin. His hair is thinning like a stretched cotton ball. He wears a black leather jacket, with dark blue jeans with fake whiskers on them. And the jeans have wide leg openings that cover up his black Gucci sneakers. Gucci sneakers. You estimate his salary. Half a million at least. Could this be you in ten years?
He asks you why you're interested in the Logging Platform Team. You tell him you have a "burning passion for challenging problems", and while you still aren't clear on what a logging platform is, it seems challenging, and so you know you'd be a good fit.
The managers eyebrows remain absolutely still. "It's not very challenging. The problems are actually pretty straightforward." he says. "We just need someone reliable. Do you know Java?"
"Uh, I don't know Java, but I can definitely learn."
He yawns. Yawns for almost six seconds. Then waves his hand, "No issue."
"Great, so, how would you describe the Logging Platform culture?"
"Well, all of us have kids. I live in Jersey. I leave by 4:30pm most days. It's flexible."
Two weeks pass. Team selection ends. You end up on "Human Resources Tools". Your job is to make dashboards for Pagii's recruiters. What the dashboards will contain, you have no idea.
Your new manager asks you to write a short introduction that he can share to the team. You begin:
Hey guys!
As the words leave your fingers, you flashback to corporate sensitivity training. Guys is gendered. This is problematic. You need an alternative that will not reinforce un-egalitarian structures of patriarchal dominance. How about Y'all? Are you allowed to say y'all? Could that be appropriating southern culture. You haven't said y'all once in your life. Ah! But what if you dropped the "y"? Just: all.
Hey all!
That seems off. You don't to get labeled as a "bad culture fit" again.
You Google it. You find a promising article: 40 Gender Neutral Alternatives To Saying "You Guys"
7: Hey Peops!
What the fuck is a peops?
After a few hours of drafting, you settle on:
Hiya folks! Extremely excited to be joining HR tools! Ever since I was a little kid, I have dreamed of creating software to assist recruiters target and acquire qualified candidates in a more effecient way. I strongly believe the failure of todays' technology companies to properly monitor and catalogue the interview status of potential candidates is among society's most pressing issues, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to work on this with you all.
In my free time, I enjoy hiking, cooking, traveling, and watching Netflix :grinning emoji:
You compare your intro post with that of your predecessors. Oh god, the last three intro posts ALL mentioned dogs. You didn't mention dogs. Are people going to notice? Will they think you don't like dogs? What kind of person doesn't like dogs? A "bad culture fit". You edit:
In my free time, I enjoy hiking, cooking, watching Netflix, and DOGS :grinning emoji: